Being physical with someone that you like for the very first time can be incredibly scary. How do you navigate different boundaries that might come up? How do you go through that experience without things being awkward? Surprisingly, it’s not as difficult as you may think it is.
There’s actually a simple formula that you can follow, things that you can say and do to make that person feel comfortable and to have everything go smoothly.
First and foremost, physical intimacy is a two-person operation, meaning you both have to be on the same page if you both want to feel comfortable.
If one person is pushing the other into doing something that they don’t really want to do, a lot of issues can come up. That person may grow to resent you and be angry at the fact that you made them participate in this action, or they may even bring legal charges against you, which can lead to a whole other world of problems.
The issue of consent has been brought to the top of discussions surrounding physical intimacy, which is a wonderful thing, but it’s also a very scary thing for a lot of guys who don’t really know how to navigate in this world of consent while also being assertive and initiating with girls.
They’re left wondering if I do something, is it okay? Should I ask first? Does that kill the moment? A lot of questions are popping up, and guys don’t really know how to answer them.
What I would propose is using this structure and incorporating different lead-in lines. It’s going to allow you to know where that person is and help you get to the next step of building your physical intimacy.
Step #1: Find out where that person stands in regards to the person they’re dating taking the initiative.
Is that something that they want to see? Do they want to see you be bold, daring, confident, and cunning in approaching them and making that first move? Is that something that they actually enjoy? Or do they want someone that’s going to talk things out a little bit more? This is a conversation that should happen very early on in the process of dating.
Now, you may not know them well enough just yet, and their opinions may change as they get to know you, but you’re starting to build the framework for how they view things and what they’re hoping to happen between the two of you.
The lead-in line that I would use here is:
“When it comes to relationships, how do you feel about your partner taking the initiative to bring the two of you closer together, whether that’s physically or emotionally? Are you someone that likes to see that person take a bit more charge? Or are you the kind of person that likes to talk things through before you do it?”
Phrasing it like that is going to give you a little bit better of an understanding as to where their boundaries may lie and what the expectations may be in a relationship with them.
Now, like I said before, things may change and move a lot more rapidly as you get to know them better, which is why effective communication is going to be essential in really knowing how to navigate that physical barrier.
Step #2: Express your own needs and what you want to work towards with that person.
And that might mean having a pretty low barrier of entry, you’re willing to be as physical as they are. That might mean hugging or kissing or even having sex as soon as possible.
That is not me giving you a free pass to tell them outright that you want to bang but more so that communication should be more open and action should be a little bit more measured. You’re going to move at the slowest person’s pace because they’re the one who has the stronger boundary here, and that’s the one that needs to be highly, highly respected.
What I would recommend is to just share what you would be comfortable and willing to do with them, provided the relationship continues to grow.
Now, one way to do this is to use a lead-in line like this:
“Honestly, I feel like there’s something special between us. Do you feel the same? I feel like in a month or two from now, I might be more comfortable with the idea of kissing or going on actual dates or even having sex, but I want to know where you stand to make sure we’re on the same page.”
Sometimes, though, a conversation like that might still catch a person off guard, so use the first part of that lead-in line all throughout building up to the actual second part. That means constantly reassuring them that you feel like the two of you are really getting along well, if there’s a spark there that you notice and you want them to see it too.
Step #3: Slow down before you jump into getting physical from the start.
When it comes to actually being physical, one thing I cannot stress enough is that so many people go from zero to a hundred. They go from being nervous and shy and not even holding that person’s hand to just jumping into making out, touching their body, and just totally doing whatever it is that their heart desires, which might not be what the other person also wants. Doing that is a surefire formula to make that person feel uncomfortable and distressed.
Now, sometimes people are courageous enough to push you back and say, “Hey, hold on, take it easy there.” But then other times, they’re not. In those situations, they may be acting on fear. Fear that you may be verbally or physically abusive with them, fear that they may look like a prude in your eyes, or that somehow they led you on to think that this was okay.
Everything is small steps, including being physical with someone else.
You have to look for those simple micro-touches. That means you put your arm around them whenever you guys are together. You hold hands whenever you walk. Your knees bump up against each other whenever you’re sitting down.
Don’t underestimate the knee bump. It is super, super crucial.
And if you’re looking for a lead-in line to take things to the next physical level of kissing, this is the one I’ve always used as my default.
Start a conversation with them, and as you’re talking, just kind of hold eye contact with them. Look down at their lips and start to slow down your words. Start to add more pauses in between what you’re saying. Look down at their lips, down at their eyes, and then just stop and leave that little silent break there because that silent break is the tension that you need to look them in the eyes again, lean forward, and go for the kiss.
Now, if they pull back or say no or just give you any signs of discomfort, go back to the previous steps. Talk about what the two of you want in the relationship, what you hope to build towards, and where your boundaries lie.
That’s how you’re going to kind of rinse and repeat through this process to lead up to being more and more physical. It’s all about communication, it’s all about respecting boundaries, all about being open with each other.
Physicality rests on comfort.
If you can build that comfort and show them that you’re not a creep, you’re not just trying to get with them just for the sake of getting with them, you actually care about who they are, they’re going to be way more receptive to you.
On that note, I’ll catch you next time.
As always, love and peace.